Sunday, October 28, 2007 Y
i duno how my mood should be now.. i know i'm very frustrated.. i know i'm not in a good mood.. i know i should juz scream my lungs out.. i know i should be left alone and do not be disturbed..
i have no say.. i have no right to make any decision.. i'm juz feeling.. feeling.. awful..
these few days hang out with xiao xin.. all i can say.. is envious..
envy.. becoz their brotherhood is strong..
envy.. becoz all of them living around the area, all you need is a phone call away..
envy.. becoz they would be there for each other 24/7..
envy.. becoz they would meet up every now and then..
envy.. becoz they enjoy each other's company..
envy.. becoz simply envy..
i'm tired.. handling relationship, handling friendship, handling kinship.. and sch work will be coming soon..
i'm reali tired..
i tried to avoid, tried not to face the reality.. dun wanna make any rash decision.. and i totally have no idea of wat i should do..
go with my heart? but.. there are other factors to consider too..
i reali dun feel good.. i wanted to go back to the past.. when i was stil the small, young, innocent and pampered kid.. though i'm stil being pampered now.. the feeling juz isnt the same..
mama is getting old.. i know i should be more sensible not to make her worry.. and i'm trying my very best to do that now.. i dint wan her to cont working after i grad.. i wan her to take a break after all these long years of working..
after i've read da jie's entry.. i couldnt control my tears.. from the tone of my mum, i dint know da jie can sense so many feelings within her.. yup.. sad, angry, desperate, hopeless and frustrated..
i dint know she was feeling numb in her hand these few days.. i dint know she went to see the chinese physician.. all i know was she would wake up at 11 plus to drink the medicine.. she dint say much.. she dint wan me to get worried?
i'm alone with mama every night.. all her leisure was watching tv.. luckily i've subscribed SCV.. for her.. so that she wont have to buy vcds everytime.. waste of money.. and is never ending..
i'm so worried for her.. i love her so much.. all i wan her is to be healthy and happy everyday.. not forgetting papa.. though our relationship wasnt so good for the past years.. now.. i'm starting to treasure them.. i love them too much..
that was the 1st time when i saw papa sooo worried for er jie when she returned late.. we couldnt get in contact with her becoz she lost her hp.. den papa was damn worried la.. keep swearing.. and waited in the living room..
mama was too disappointed.. she could do nth anymore.. she had no idea how to talk to er jie.. so do i.. so do we.. wat are we supposed to do.. wat can we do.. we arent giving up on her.. juz that.. i'm beginning to lose the ability to communicate with her..
maybe we reali dun udst how she feels, becoz we are not her.. but at least she can confide in us.. wat are sisters for? wat are siblings for? wat are kinship for?
izzit whenever she needs help, den come find us? izzit whenever she wanna go out, ask me take care of ger ger? ask mama take care of ger ger when she knocked off after a long day at work??
it's a blessing to be able to meet.. it's fate which brought us to be sisters..
soft or hard? which method to use on? i have no idea..
~ sick and tired ~
1:39 AM -
hearts